How do I tell someone they are being cheated on?

Probably one of the hardest things to do is how to approach the “you are being cheated on” truth

Imagine scrolling through tinder one day and you come across your friend’s boyfriend (or girlfriend)? Or you’re out to lunch and see him holding hands with another girl/boy? Whatever it is its hard. Here are some expert tips from a sex educator and loveologist.

How do you tell them what has just happened without shattering their world or heart? To be honest there is no real easy way to say it but yes you should say it. Yes, we all agree you want to seek revenge, maybe egg his car or shame him/her but it doesn’t resolve anything (as every modern day rom-com shows).

Sex educator and loveologist, Wendy Strgar, suggests that trusting your gut “ is an important situation where you want to tap into your intuition,” says the author of Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy.

It all depends on the evidence at hand, but if it is factual that has been seen personally than the heartbreak would be better than the lies. Although, there is that ‘shooting the messenger’ phrase for a reason so we give you the 5 best things to do if your friend is being cheated on:

1.Give the cheater a chance

As bad as it sounds, it is probably the best approach a girl can take. Approach the cheater rather than your friend initially to give them a chance to deal with the issue directly themselves. Strgar says, “Give the couple a chance to correct themselves on their own.”

Rather than being stuck in the middle it is best to start with this approach. It is more about keeping out of the drama not choosing the cheater over your friend. If he can explain his actions and willingly decide to approach it himself then by no means necessary, it will not have to involve you in the drama, and you have done the right steps.

2. Trust your gut and instinct

You know that phrase ‘trust your gut its normally right’, this situation seems fitting. This step can be initially done and worked with step 1, trusting your initial instinct kicks in. Normally the gut is pretty on the ball with these situations especially. Strgar suggests, “If you see the cheater doing something sketchy in person, is he or she is avoiding eye contact with you?” it generally means they are doing the wrong thing.

Look for the big red signs that suggest there is something wrong, feel the energy and decide the viewpoint of the situation. Although, before jumping to conclusion too quickly consider all factors and work through each step to ensure the right decision. Making sure you are not quickly and abruptly saying the wrong information.

3. Talk face to face

By no means break the news over text or email. Face to face contact is more personal and raw emotions are portrayed. In this instance you can be there to support your friend. Strgar promotes “If and when it’s time to go to the friend, do it in person face to face—not digitally”.

Face to face is the best form of contact in any circumstance that requires information or bad news. Strgar suggests; “Drop by her house, meet for tea, or something similar. Avoid meeting at a bar and having too much booze. Even if it SUCKS (which it most likely will) it is the best most effective way to help a friend in need. Although, this could backfire horribly if the friend isn’t quite ready to hear it, so be aware that there is always room for denial.

4. Be cautious

Some people are super sensitive and don’t take bad new well at all. “Give the basic information you know the time, place, person, and evidence you have, and say you’re there for her if you can support her,” notes Strgar. Consider what and how to say it cautiously. Invite them out for breakfast and word it well. For example; “There is no easy way to put this, but I am thinking of you and your happiness…” then continue to explain the nature of the cheating.

Or go Cameron Diaz in The Other Woman and create a devious plan to ruin his life (just kidding). Strgar states “tell her you trust her to make the right choice for herself but you feel like it’s the kind of thing that if it was reversed, you’d hope she’d tell you.” Being gentle and nurturing is the best way to comfort a friend in times of need. This is important in a potentially heartbreaking situation.

5. Have comfort food, alcohol and tissues on the ready

The final and probably most important point of the whole lot. A tub of ice cream or a sex on the beach cocktail never fails to make a crappy moment better. Be there to indulge and embrace all that is coming. “Assure her the information stays only with you,” says Strgar. 

Have a girl’s night to make her feel like she is not alone and reassure her that it is okay. Tell her whatever she is feeling it is okay and normal (while eating her favourite ice cream with her). After the heat has cooled down let her have time to understand the process.